Co-Sleeping, Sometimes You Just Have To!

Yay! Another topic that is full of polarizing opinions lolol!

This is a short one, but important nonetheless. We have co-slept with Lux a few times. When he had sleep regressions, we needed to get some sleep but he wouldn't let me put him down. 

I have friends and clients who do co-sleeping all the time! Just be sure you're doing it safely (c-position, no pillows, no blankets). I know co-sleeping can be considered unsafe (which is probably why I can never sleep when I do it, my anxiety just won't let me) but just like all things parenting, you need to follow what you feel is best for you, and your baby, within reason and keeping baby as safe as possible. 

Did you co-sleep your baby? Or were you like me and unable to sleep if you tried?

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Lux's Story Part 5 | Sleep? Who is she? Don't know her…

Those cellphone shots from the wee hours of the morning hit differently.

In my last post I spoke about how my clients were positive that I was going to rock the newborn gig with my own baby. And in ways I definitely had the advantage of years of experience with newborns and learning how they needed to be settled. But as I stated to my clients when they would say I had it easier - there is more to babies than just putting them to sleep and let me tell you, even that was a struggle for me.

But let me share with you all I learned about this, in hopes to make your life a bit easier than mine was.

In those first couple of weeks to a month, your newborn is basically going to eat and sleep. There will be diaper changes in there as well, but that's pretty much it. You might have an awake baby for a few moments, but not for very long before they become fussy. For us with Lux it seemed he had us on an every two hours cycle of sleep and eating. Sometimes newborns will go three hours between feedings. But every two to three hours is very common for when you want to feed them.

Now first things first, we used an app to help us track how much he was eating, peeing and pooing in those first few weeks. It helped us to answer easily when doctors or nurses asked us about how many pees he had or how often he was eating. Here's the app we use (we have android phones, there are plenty out there for you to choose from).

When Lux got to be about a month or so old, I began to have issues with getting him to sleep. It seemed like a real struggle, and I was so focused on getting him settled (because that was what I was doing for most of his life up until then), I didn't realize that he was trying to tell me that he wasn't tired yet.

That's when I learned about having a routine. The one that naturally worked for Lux (honestly it feels like he chose it because I wasn't trying to make this our routine, it just ended up being this way), Sleep, Eats, Play, then repeat. So we would have him wake up on his own (unless he was sleeping longer than the three-hour mark for his next feeding) feed him, then we would have his awake time. We would do tummy time, cuddles, sing songs, or let him lay down on his playmat with his play gym.

But soon I was running into issues of him fussing because he was overtired! So I did further research and found out about awake windows. There are many different ideas out there about this, but I worked with what I saw a lot of people saying and once again paid attention to Lux's cues to tell me when he was feeling tired. For instance, his awake window stayed at 45 minutes for longer than all the charts were saying it should and I just watched his cues and eventually he expanded his awake window himself. Now he's six months and most charts say he should be awake for 2-2.5 hours, but he sometimes can't go much longer than 1.5 hours. To me that's fine, he's growing at his own pace and I am happy to help him through it. Because if I try to push it longer than he can handle he gets very frustrated. So although these routines are super helpful, it was ideal for us to not look at them as firm schedules, but more as a guideline to support him through his development.

But at the same time, I can't tell you how many times I would get used to his routine and he would switch it on me and I wouldn't see that it was him asking for more awake time. Now I know, for Lux, if when I try to put him to sleep and he fusses, it's likely because he's not ready to sleep. And on the same vibe, if I see that he is yawning and rubbing his eyes, and fussing too, I know it's because he is getting overtired and it's worth it to keep trying to soothe him to sleep.

The last post I spoke of all the things I would have to do to settle him when he was 0-3 months old. Now I can just have him snuggled up in my lap, jiggle my leg for a little bit and he will drift off. It's a much calmer and nicer way of existing, but it definitely takes attention and diligence to understand where he is in his development and what he needs.

Napping

I made the choice to do contact napping. Lux still sleeps on me or in his stroller or car seat at six months old. I kinda stumbled into this life, the fact that I didn't want to put him down in the earlier days. Chuck really encouraged it, but for some reason, both Lux and I prefer it this way. I'm of the school of thought that your baby needs you through these first few months and the way he can feel his safest is in your arms. My childhood didn't feel safe for much of it, so perhaps I'm overcompensating, but I'm still happy with my choice. I get what I need to get done while he's awake, and when it's nap time we both get to relax and I get to sit in the moment with him and really be present to enjoy him now. Cuz I know it's not very long until a request for a hug will get me a “MO-OM! I'M TOO BIG FOR HUGS!” haha, so I'm taking it all in now.

Night-time Sleeps

For Lux, we have a pretty good routine figured out. We feed him before sleep, and we feed him through the night whenever he wakes up. He goes on average about four hours between feedings, sometimes longer, if there is a growth spurt sometimes much shorter. It took me a while and a few conversations with mamas I know and trust to find out that most babies don't sleep through the night. It's a functioning part of their development to have them wake up often at night as it helps them with their systems that are still learning to regulate. We are lucky in that he's super great at eating and then going right back to sleep, so it's rare we are up longer than 30 minutes. He sleeps in his bassinet by the bed, and this works for now until he's way more mobile, and at that point, we will play it by ear on whether we use his crib or move him right to a floor bed.

What I find through all of this is that there is a lot of information out there and you just have to work with what makes sense for you and your baby. For me, I can't fathom nor have the heart for, or the strength it takes to do, sleep training, so I have accepted that this means I need to be more hands-on in the first few years, and that works for me. Luckily I am privileged in that I work at home and have incredibly patient and understanding clients, not to mention my support system in Chuck and his mom who also lives with us. You just have to find what works for you and throw away any urges to place judgments on yourself or others. Again, as long as you are there for your baby, loving supporting, and keeping them safe, girl, you're good.

Lux's Story Part 4 | How we settled our colicky baby

It was something clients would say even before I was pregnant: Chuck and I were going to have it easy with our baby because we were such baby whisperers. And every time someone said that I would respond with maybe we will just be good at putting him to sleep, but there is so much more to it all than that. Boy was I right. In this post, I will tell you something that my years of experience helped me with.

Lux had colic.

This is something I researched so heavily as I scrambled to understand why my little guy was so upset and uncomfortable. Here is what I found out. Colic is not an illness but a behaviour. It means your baby is crying consistently, my doctor defined it as three hours in one day, at least three days a week for more than three weeks. They don’t really know what causes Colic, often people think it means reflux or bad gas, perhaps constipation, but I also found articles explaining it as a baby being sensitive to the world and the stimulation in it, or them simply not knowing how to settle themselves. 

The last explanation really helped me to understand something pretty fundamental in how I approached the first few months of Lux’s life (and have continued it since). Newborns are born without the ability to self regulate. Whether they are uncomfortable, frightened, hungry or upset, they do not know how to regulate themselves yet. This is where we as parents step in.

So whether your newborn has colic or is just a bit fussy, here is how I settled our colicky baby when he was super fussy. 

• I would give him his pacifier - now using a pacifier with newborns is a matter or debate for many. My guy is exclusively breastfed, but we have given him a soother since he was a few days old. He was pretty comfortable with his latch, and had a pretty strong suck so I didn’t feel worried about using it. Additionally with my approach of soothing him when he needed it, I didn’t want to play with fire when I knew that a pacifier would do the trick. And I read that having your newborn sleep with a pacifier reduces the chances of SIDS which was another huge incentive for me. 

  • If you do decide to use the pacifier, be sure to give your little one time to get used to using it. Although newborns are born with the reflex to suck, they still need to learn how to do it. They need time to learn on you if you’re breastfeeding, or how to use the bottle if you’re bottle feeding, and they need time to learn on a pacifier. 

• I would hold him sideways - I would put his head in the crook of my left arm, face him towards my chest (this would help him to keep the pacifier in his mouth), and I would lie him across my chest. Lux is a 1-year-old as I write this and he still loves it when I hold him like this to put him to sleep.

• I would swaddle him - you don’t know how often I hear that babies don’t like the swaddle. I truly believe this isn’t the case. Babies come from the snuggliest and cuddliest space (our womb) so unless they have spent a considerable amount of time out of it unswaddled, swaddling will bring them back to that place in their minds. Now when Lux was in full meltdown I did not have time or the inclination to swaddle him all prettily, because those hormones were ringing those alarm bells in my mind saying “BABY CRYING! FIX IT NOW!” lol. So my trick was I just took whatever blanket or swaddle I was using and tucked it around him as he was against my chest. If I had to put him down to sleep eventually I would just swaddle him after he had calmed down. You don’t have to swaddle them past 4 months, and you should stop swaddling them as soon as they learn how to roll.
  FYI - we kept Lux in a swaddle while he slept in his bassinet. We used muslin cloth as that is more breathable, we had him right next to me in bed in his bassinet, and we used a pacifier while he slept. This made him sleep for longer at night, as he felt like he was still being held in his sleep.

• I would rock him - after giving him his soother, putting him sideways against my chest I would begin to rock him. Whether that was just swaying my body back and forth, using a leg jiggle to jiggle him (benefits of being a thicker lady hehe), or using an actual rocking chair. This was soothing to him because it reminded him of how he would sway in the womb as I walked around while pregnant. 

• I would shush him - I would either shush him loudly in his ear (especially when he was in full scream cry). Do remember that inside your body it is pretty loud, so they are used to a lot of loud constant repetitive noise, this is why we still use a noise machine to this day. If I was too tired to shush him I would use an app that I have called the baby shusher and just turn the phone up and put it in my bra on the opposite side of my chest than his head. This would normally work to stop the crying at this point. 
  

  Bonus Tip: I would also pat his butt. I would tap it with the same energy as a regular hand clap {anything lighter wouldn’t work) and it would be an added jiggle for him. To this day a good repetitive butt pat is all he needs to calm him down. 

I want to say it was important to do all of these things to settle him... there were times that I was a bit sleep deprived and I would forget a step and the whole system would crumble and Lux would just keep crying. That’s why I would let Chuck and his mom who lives with us know all of these steps so we could help each other out when the settling didn’t seem to work. 

Additionally, this isn’t a quick fix at all. Sometimes it would take 20 minutes to get Lux from full wail to soundly asleep. And doing all of these things combined made me feel absolutely crazy. I think even Chuck and his mom at first looked at me like I was a bit coo-coo… just rocking and shushing and patting, over and over and over… but as long as the initial wailing stopped and it was just whimpers and fussing, I kept going. It takes patience. Oh boy does it ever. But it was better than having him just cry it out in someone’s arms.

I have to say that this was the toughest thing to go through so far, it was heartbreaking to hear him cry like that. And there were definite days that I felt like a complete failure.

The thing that would help me through that was affirmations that I was doing my best and as long as I am there for him I am enough.

Lux’s Colic ended when he was between 2 and 3 months old, but even as he gets older we use similar techniques to help him settle. There is an end in sight, and as they get older and more used to the world and their bodies grow and develop, things get a little less scary for them. You got this mama, and if you have any questions at all please put them in the comments below! I would love to help! <3